called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
