I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
