Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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