You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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