I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
