I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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