i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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