Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
