I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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