thus making me awesome and them whores
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
