I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
