Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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