Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
