I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize