Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I touched a dick in church today
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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