also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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