dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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