im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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