I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
