I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
