I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
