Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
