Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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