mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
