I look better un-naked...
im holly from the hills drunk
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
