You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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