We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
