Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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