If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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