he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
