yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
