Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
