I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
