i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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