Plan B is the new Plan A
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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