I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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