is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
