It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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