Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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