just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm like, not good at living.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
