Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
