Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
