update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Where are you guys?
Drunk
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
