oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
