Having a random hookup so left but love u
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
