I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
