I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
