I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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