Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
