It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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