In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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