Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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