do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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