if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
