Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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