I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
