this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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