i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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