i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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