I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
