I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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