go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
