Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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